


Keep me moving forward

by jenjen92



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Depression, Established Relationship, Friendship, Getting Back Together, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Romance, finding a dream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenjen92/pseuds/jenjen92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru has been living with Makoto ever since they moved to Tokyo so that Makoto could attend university. But Haru himself did not know what he wanted to do. Without realising it the world he knew began to move forward, everyone working towards their own goals, while he stood still. His insecurities not only affecting him, but his relationship with Makoto as well. After Makoto makes a decision that changes the world Haru knew, he must work out how to move forward towards the happiness he seeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep me moving forward

Haru let out a small relieved sigh as the last minute of his shift ended. He gave a quick wave to his manager to alert him to his leaving before heading out of the door as fast as he could. It wasn't that Haru hated his job. Working in a book store was fairly quiet, simple and it paid him money. But it was far from what he thought he would be doing at 18, going on 19, years of age. Not that he had an idea of what he could be doing instead. University , he supposed, like Makoto.

Haru had followed his boyfriend to Tokyo after Makoto had declared his intention to study there. It was an easy decision to make. Haru had neither a dream or goal of his own to pursue, or any desire to study at a university with half hearted feelings for a subject he couldn't care less about. But he did know one thing; that he wanted to be with Makoto. Always. So now they were sharing a small one bedroom apartment close to Makoto's university. He attended classes during the day while Haru worked at a book store to pay his portion. The situation worked on the whole, and although Haru could not say he was happy per se, he knew for sure that he did not want anything to change.

Despite knowing that it already had.

The lights were off in the apartment when Haru returned. He frowned. Looking at his watch, the time was certainly just past 7pm. Makoto's classes finished around 5 on a Wednesday. Shrugging it off, Haru moved to begin preparing dinner which was the other 'job' he held. Makoto would return home soon.

Dinner had long turned cold when Makoto returned home some time past 11pm. He called to Haru cheerfully as he opened the door, removing his shoes quickly and flopping down next to him on the sofa.

"Wow, this evening was so much fun!" Makoto said happily, moving his hands animatedly,"I don't usually like karaoke But Naoki and Akiko were really into it and before I knew it they got me singing as well! How was your evening?"

"Karaoke." Haru repeated emotionless, barely raising his head from the rough sketch he was doing in his notebook, "You didn't tell me."

"I did." Makoto frowned,"I sent a text."

It was then Haru's turn to frown as he left the sofa to find his always abandoned phone at the bottom of his rucksack. True to his word, there was a text.

"Oh."

"Don't tell me that you were waiting for me this whole time Haru?" Makoto groaned, "I thought that you might have been able to enjoy yourself too, get some time to yourself for a change."

"I don't need any more time to myself."

"No, of course you don't." Makoto said with a small sigh, "but you should maybe try spending time with other people too. Like someone from your work?"

"I don't want to spend time with anyone else." Haru said dryly, "I'm fine like this." _Aren't you?_ Were the words that went unsaid.

"Naoki and Akiko are really nice people," Makoto continued carefully, "it's good to catch up with them and the rest outside of class sometimes too." _They don't replace you._

Haru remained silent. He could pick up on the undertones of what Makoto was saying, just like he did for him. But he didn't need to be told that, he knew already. Of course he knew. Yet he still could not steady his thoughts.

"I'm going to bed." Makoto announced suddenly, standing up, "wait, please don't follow me for a little while." he said quickly as Haru stood up to join him, pushing him back down gently on the sofa.

Surprise must have shown on his face because green eyes looked sympathetically Haru's way for a moment before turning away again.

"Sweet dreams." He whispered, pecking Haru on the cheek before heading to the bedroom.

Haru watched Makoto go, a tight feeling engulfing his chest. Everything was changing.

* * *

 

Life seemed to return to normal between them the next morning. Haru kissed Makoto gently goodbye as he left for university, his boyfriend beaming and stating something about watching a film when he got back. Perhaps he felt guilty for the previous night. Haru did not think he needed to be. Yet Makoto never broke his promise and that evening he found himself curled up to his boyfriend's side as they watched one of Haru's favourite movies. His head was resting on Makoto's shoulder as the other male stroked his hair absent mindedly while whispering words such as 'it's all going to be okay.' Haru was not sure what Makoto meant until the film had finished and the questioning began.

"Have you had any thoughts about what you want to do Haru?" Makoto asked in his sweet as honey voice as he pulled Haru onto his lap and held him gently.

"Not really."

"There are lot's of opportunities in Tokyo, you know." He continued gently, "If you look, I am sure you can find something you would like to do."

"I have a job." Haru said simply, and he could feel the grip around his waist slightly tighten.

"You do, and that's great." Makoto took a deep breath, "But is that really a long term plan? Can you really keep seeing yourself working in the book store?"

"Why not?"

Makoto did not answer, and instead began to press light kisses to the back of his neck. Haru could not help feel that his boyfriend was doing that, not out of love, but to keep himself steady.

"Change is not always a bad thing." Makoto again broke the silence a few minutes later with his strange statement, "People move forward, meet new people, develop as a person with new experiences. It's part of growing up."

"Why are you telling me this?" Haru said irritably, shuffling off Makoto's lap so that he could look at him directly, the other turning away seemingly embarrassed, "I'm not five."

"Just...just keep that in mind, okay?"

"...Okay."

"Good." Makoto sighed, his posture turning into one of nervousness, "I was planning to invite some of my friends over here tomorrow night. Is that okay with you?"

"I can stay out later after work, if that's what you want."

"No, it's not." he paused, "I want you to be here. I want to introduce you to them as my boyfriend and for us all to hang out together, so they can get to know you too."

Makoto's face was expectant as he waited for Haru's answer. He wanted to say no. He wanted to scream it.

"Fine."

Makoto's face was overcome with relief with his positive reply, his mouth spreading into a wide smile as he kissed Haru happily on his slightly pouted lips.

"Thank you, Haru-chan!"

* * *

 

He didn't want to do this. The same thought cycled through Haru's mind the whole of his journey home from work, and as he entered through his apartment door that feeling only increased. The sounds of laughter and chatting were audible from the entrance way and Haru's whole body froze. _He couldn't do this._

"Oh, I think Haru's home, hang on a minute!" He could hear Makoto call to his friends, before the brunette popped his head around the door with a smile and waved him over. Haru exhaled slowly before kicking off his shoes and entering the living room, trying his hardest to stretch his mouth into a smile. He knew that couldn't quite manage it when he felt 4 pairs of eyes boring into him expectantly. Barely registering Makoto introducing him and saying the names of his friends one by one, he took a place next to Akiko, was it, on the floor. The girl turned to him, giving Haru a bright smile.

"Nanase-kun, I am so happy to finally meet you! Makoto talks about you _all_ the time." She gushed, waving her hands animatedly, "So you work at a book store? What is it like?"

"Normal, I guess." Haru said, unsure of what she expected him to say. Akiko's face fell for a moment before her smile returned, albeit weaker.

"When he is not busy, Haru spends the rest of his time flicking through the marine biology books in the store. Right?" Makoto spoke up quickly, as though he sensed that the tension in the room was increasing.

"Marine biology? Do you have an interest in that?" Akiko asked before Haru had a chance to speak, her face brightening again, "I think our university has a course in that!"

"Yeah, it does." Another voice belonging to a male Haru could not name chimed in, "And it's a well established one too."

"Maybe you should consider applying? It would be good for you!"

"No thank you." Haru said immediately, turning his head away from the conversation.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. It began to last too long until Makoto coughed awkwardly.

"Naoki, how is your report coming along for education psychology?"

The conversation soon picked up again, everyone beginning to talk enthusiastically while Haru started to feel increasingly alienated. The room was filled with laughter again, everyone cracking jokes and discussing funny moments from their last lecture. He did not know this Makoto. The Makoto who talked passionately about topics that Haru did not understand with people he did not know. Of course, he knew this side of his boyfriend existed, but he did not want to see it opened in front of him. He did not want to acknowledge it. Haru did not belong. _He couldn't be here._

Without thinking Haru stood up. His legs seemed to move on their own accord. Once again the conversation stopped immediately, everyone turning to look at him. Makoto looked worried.

"Haru, sweetheart. Sit back down?" He asked uncertainly, voice wavering. Makoto never used pet names for him, unless...yes. Haru had really messed up this time. Yet he could not move. He felt frozen in place, chest constricting so tightly he could barely breathe.

"If you are tired, you can go to bed. We don't mind." Makoto continued, the expression in his eyes betraying his worry.

"I can't sleep when _they_ are all here." Haru snapped pointing his finger accusingly over the group, unable to prevent his mouth from saying what he did not want to, the pent up insecurities spouting out like a whale, "It's all their fault!"

"What are you saying Haru? Haru? H-Haruka!"

Haru did not hear the rest of Makoto's cries as he was already half way out of the door. He barely stopped to shove his feet roughly into his trainers and grab his wallet before storming out of the apartment. His feet pounded the ground as he headed towards nowhere in particular, only the feeling that he needed to escape overwhelming his senses.

It was not until Haru somehow found himself close to Sumida river that his thoughts began to calm. The water soothing him as he gazed down at it's surface, breathing in time with it's rippling as it washed guilt over him. Haru swore loudly to the river as he could no longer escape the reality of his actions. He insulted Makoto's friends then just left like a coward. What did he even mean, saying it was all their fault; what was? That Makoto was changing? That Haru felt left behind? Neither was their fault, nothing was. It was all Haru, and he was going to ruin everything with his destructive thinking. Maybe he had, already.

Haru did not know how long he spent staring at the river, the cold night nipping at his skin. It was already dark when he left, and the sun had not yet began to rise yet. Either way, he had been away from Makoto too long.

The lights were still on in the apartment as Haru slowly pushed open the door. Only his and Makoto's shoes were left in the entrance. He swallowed. Walking into the living room Haru found Makoto on the sofa, his hand clutching his phone tightly to his chest. He looked up as soon as Haru entered, his mouth widening. Makoto's eyes were red.

"Where were you?" He asked surprisingly calmly, placing his phone down on the side.

"By the river." Haru said, trying hard to keep eye contact, "Makoto, I am so sorry."

Makoto shook his head with a pained expression.

"Haru." He said firmly, gesturing for him to sit down, "We need to talk."

Those words ricocheted through his mind as he moved to sit down next to Makoto in almost a trance like state. Despite the obvious hurt in Makoto's eyes, there was something else there too. A sort of determination of which Haru got the feeling that he would not be able to defy.

"I know you are going through a hard time at the moment, that you can't figure things out." He said, enunciating each word slowly, "But the way you are acting has been going on too long, it is unacceptable and it is hurting me."

"Makoto, I-"

"Not now, Haru." Makoto interrupted gently, "Please just listen."

He took a deep breath.

"I think we need some time apart. I want us to have a break and I am going to move out of this apartment."

Haru couldn't breathe. His body began to shake lightly as what Makoto said hit him hard. He opened his mouth to speak, closing it again when no words came out. For a moment Makoto stretched out his arm as though he wanted to comfort Haru, but retracted it again just as quickly.

"You...you don't have to think of it as a bad thing," Makoto tried, "It is to help us. It will give us time to both grow, to work things out with ourselves first."

"But I can't cope without you." Haru finally found the words to say, the syllables coming out broken.

" _Yes you can._ " Makoto said, "This is kind of the point Haru."

"Where are you going to go?"

"I am going to stay at Naoki's for a while until I find my own place."

"At least stay here until you find somewhere." Haru said, hating how pleading that his voice sounded. Yet he had never been so desperate for something in his life, "Please."

"I can't, Haru." Makoto said sadly, more tears beginning to pool in his eyes, "I think it was a mistake to move in together in the first place. It's suffocating."

"Suffocating?" Haru asked weakly, unsure how his body was still functioning enough to stay in this conversation. He ached all over.

"You don't mean to. I know that." Makoto began, his cheeks now wet, "But we have never been apart. We have not had a chance to grow as individuals away from each other and I think having some space to do that now is what we both need. It will give you time to think about what you want to do, it doesn't have to be university, but you have so much talent to do _something_ with Haru. I hate seeing you waste it each day. Then maybe when you become more confident and accepting of yourself you will be able to support me and my changes too. This will let us both be free."

" _Free._ " Haru repeated. That word weighed so heavily with him, and hearing Makoto use it in this situation was almost too much for him. Makoto seemed to realise this himself. He stood up, running a hand slightly shakily through his hair.

"I have already packed most of my things." He said, everything moving too fast for Haru, "I just want to sleep. I will take the sofa."

"The sofa is too small for you." Haru managed to say, "Take our bed."

"It's your bed now Haru." Makoto said with a half hearted smile, "Please. You need sleep too."

Haru's legs automatically moved him to his bedroom, closing the door separating him and Makoto. He stripped quickly, diving into his covers and wrapping them tightly around him in the darkness. His body was still shaking as he lay down. Haru could not remember life without Makoto. Long before they were dating he was always by his side providing a sense of stability and comfort, even when Haru did not think he needed or appreciated it. But now, even if it was temporary, he was going to be gone.

Haru closed his eyes, shutting them tightly. Maybe when he awoke everything will be back to normal again and Makoto will still be by his side. Overcome with tiredness, he fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

 

Haru's body still felt heavy when he woke the next morning, and his head hurt. Light was pouring in from his window, alerting him to the fact that he must have slept much too long. He vaguely recalled another body entering his bed last night and holding him tight in strong, familiar arms before whispering how much he loved him against his ear. Reaching over to the pillow next to him he brought it up to his nose, breathing it in deeply. Despite it being straight out of the wash the previous day, it smelt strongly of Makoto. Yet, there was no trace of him left in what was their shared bedroom. Leaping out of bed, Haru charged into their living area. Makoto was gone. The sofa was made up neatly as though it was never used. His breaths coming out in short pants, Haru noticed a piece of paper resting on their table. Picking it up carefully, the contents told him all he needed to know.

_I will call you when I am ready for us to talk. Be brave, Haru. I love you._

_Makoto x_

Haru pressed the note close to his chest for a moment before returning it to it's place on the table. He felt numb. He did not want to think about it, did not want to face the day knowing Makoto had gone. Haru walked slowly back into his bedroom and climbed back into his bed.

When he awoke again, Haru did not know what the time was or even if it was the same day. Neither did he care. He vaguely thought that perhaps he was supposed to be in work that day, but quickly brushed the thought aside. There was no way that he was going, regardless. To stack shelves and serve customers with a fake smile was not something he thought he could manage, even to step out of the door at the moment seemed too big a task. Instead, his stomach rumbled. Haru looked in the fridge and to his relief, there was mackerel. He cooked his meal as usual in his dolphin adorned apron, serving it on a plate when it was ready. Haru took one look at it and gagged. Dumping the entire contents of the plate in the bin, Haru returned to bed.

Makoto was the first thought on Haru's mind as his eyes opened again, straining to see in the darkness which he awoke to. He could tell from the silence in the apartment that he was still gone, and did not return having had a change of heart. Haru sighed. He wanted a bath.

Soaking in the tub, Haru reached for the sketchpad and pencils that he kept next to it and began to draw. His pencil scratched lightly across the surface of the paper as he tried to think. He did not know what he wanted to do. Haru considered swimming; the path in life that seemed most logical to most and that everybody pressured him to take. Immediately, Haru knew it was impossible. That was Rin's world, not his. Although Makoto would be overjoyed if Haru decided to pursue swimming, times and records were not something he held any interest in, so he could not compete with those half hearted feelings. But what else could he do? He had no hobbies and there was nothing that he felt particularly passionate about. Except _him._ Haru closed his sketchbook with a groan. He could not quite capture Makoto's smile on paper.

* * *

 

Countless days passed in the same lifeless fashion. Haru woke up, sketched, bathed, ate when he could stomach a snack before sleeping again- all with the image of Makoto in his mind. He did not know how many days he had spent like this, barely functioning. He did not think it mattered, really. Even when the doorbell rang one morning as Haru was lying snug wrapped in his duvet, he made no effort to answer it. Haru assumed that whoever it was would go away when they realised no one was going to answer.

Instead, he heard the sound of a key clicking in the lock and the door being pushed open.

"Haru? Haru are you here?"

Immediately he was alert. There was no mistaking who that rich, yet anxious, voice belonged to. _Makoto._

Jumping out of bed, Haru raced to the entrance way unable to reach it quick enough. His heart pumped painfully fast as he could see the tall stature of Makoto stepping inside the apartment, obvious concern radiating from all of his matured features.

"Makoto."

Makoto gasped as Haru called over to him, his hazel eyes widening as he took in his form. Haru was not sure what he looked like, but he was sure it was not good. Makoto continued to simply stare for a while, his face pale, before he finally opened his mouth to speak.

"I got a call from your workplace, I am still your emergency contact, and they said you had not been in all week and that they couldn't contact you." Makoto said, his voice dry and sore, "And Rin told me you missed your Skype time with him. You _never_ miss speaking to Rin. So I called you but your phone was off." His eyes were now threatening to overflow as he took a deep breath, his voice taking a rare angry tone. "Do you know how worried I was Haru? I thought...I thought..." _You had done something stupid._

"I would not do something like that." Haru said without missing a beat. He meant for his voice to sound firm, reassuring, but it came out more questioning than he intended.

Makoto seemed to pick up on that, swallowing shakily.

"You can't go on like this Haru, I am shocked actually." He said in a low voice, "I...really didn't think you would fall apart like this."

"I haven't-"

"When was the last time you left the apartment? Or ate a proper meal?"

Haru could not answer. His lips remained sealed as the disappointment held in Makoto's eyes sank into him.

"It's my fault." Makoto sighed suddenly, causing Haru to raise his eyebrows questionably, "I pushed you too much too soon. Maybe I should have tried to reassure you more or be more patient. I was just so frustrated."

"I tried to think of what to do Makoto." Haru blurted out, half to try and comfort him, "I just still don't know."

"It's not just about that." Makoto said sadly, "I know that you can't just decide something like your future so quickly or easily just by thinking about it a bit. But the problem is a lot deeper than that. It was everything."

"Everything?"

"I think...you were, no are, feeling insecure. Which is why you acted how you did. Everything was changing around you and you felt like you were not keeping up. I hoped finding a goal or dream, something to keep you steady, would help with that."

"Oh." Haru said. He was not sure what else to say. There was truth, of course, in Makoto's words. As always he knew how to read how he was feeling, but at the same time he felt as though his assumptions were not entirely accurate.

Haru cast his eyes downwards.

"I want to hold you so much right now." Makoto whispered, clenching his hands in fists as if to stop himself from reaching out to Haru, "You are hurt in front of me. I just want to hold you and comfort you. But I can't. I can't do it Haru. Because if I did, it would make leaving even harder."

"Then don't leave."

"I have to." Makoto wiped a hand over his eyes, "We can't be together like this. You need to be happier within yourself first."

"I will be happy if you stay." Haru said, honesty and uncertainty in his words.

"But you weren't Haru." Makoto said almost softly, "I want you to find that inner strength and confidence that I know you have. You don't need me."

"I do."

Makoto shook his head, his hair flopping from side to side.

"Promise me you will turn your phone on."

"Makoto-"

"Promise me." Makoto said firmly, placing his keys to the apartment on top of a nearby cabinet with a sense of finality, "And that you will eat properly and leave the apartment regularly."

"I...promise."

"Good."

Makoto reached his hand out tentatively towards Haru. It floated in the air for a moment, as though he was unsure where to put it or holding himself back, before it rested on his shoulder. He patted it lightly before dropping his grip, flashing an awkward, not Makoto like smile as he turned towards the door. Haru could not see the expression on his face as he spoke.

"I am going to leave it to you this time." He said shakily, opening the door, "Call me when _you_ think you are ready for us to talk, Haru. I trust you."

And with that Haru watched silently as Makoto left the apartment once more, the door closing with a small thud behind him. He could not stop him. There was no power left in either his voice, mind or body to try and create any reason for him not to go. Haru continued to stare at the door for a while longer, _just in case,_ before with a small sigh he returned to his bedroom. He paused before he climbed into his bed again. The covers lay messily across the curtain darkened room, the faint light casting shadows across the walls. It was a mess. Haru reached over to grab the corner of the duvet as he began to make the bed, arranging it neatly before opening the curtains and letting the full sun shine through.

He was going to change. Not just for Makoto, but for himself.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thank you for reading! :)
> 
> This was originally going to be a one shot but it started to get too long...so I decided to split it up into two halves instead.  
> It was hard to write, but I hope you enjoyed reading it!  
> Without giving too much away, the second chapter will be called 'heal'. 
> 
> Send me messages/prompts/requests/anything on tumblr if you want!  
> http://jenjen92x.tumblr.com/


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